I think one of my biggest challenges is apparent in this blog alone. I always start, but rarely finish. Is this a lack of focus? A lack of drive? Unable to prioritize? Laziness? Perhaps all of the above?
Since my last post, I began reading the scriptures daily again. It was wonderful. That lasted about a week and a half. Making progress, but of course, something came up during the time I devoted to my reading and it got thrown by the wayside.
I tackled cleaning and organizing our room. I opened and unpacked boxes that had not been unpacked and organized since I first packed them four years ago. There were several occasions where I wanted something that was in those boxes, but since they were never unpacked, I just went without. It felt good to get it all back out. I even labeled drawers and shelves and gave everything a place. I was so close to being done. I could see the end. But, the kids woke up from their naps so my time was up. All that remained was one basket and one box. That basket still remains, at the foot of my bed, these three and a half weeks later. You would think the fact I trip over it daily would remind me to finish it. But, it doesn't. It has only caused me to pile more and more stuff on top of it that "needs to be organized" or "needs to be filed."
The good news is that these past four weeks have not been completely a waste. I decided to stop always talking about teaching piano and actually do something to make it happen. I worked on organizing myself, launching a blog, putting an advertisement in craigslist, setting up my QuickBooks, and gathering materials. Now four weeks later I have four students and have made good headway in typing and printing my lesson plans and copying, preparing, and buying all of my supplies and games. Not too shabby. The most exciting part of this all? I am such a nerd. I love working in QuickBooks. The accounting aspect of it all is by far my favorite. I think I missed my calling in life. I'm such a weirdo.
So, I guess I am not a complete loss. Now I just need to apply that drive to all areas. I need to learn how to finish something.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Step One
First thing's first - where do I start?
I had been pondering for a while what I wanted to accomplish with this path to self-discovery and what I hoped to see in myself as I worked on becoming the best possible version of me.
I decided that I wanted to set goals and actually reach them. None of this setting lofty goals and having them all spin around out there in the abyss of my mind - but actually set step by step expectations for myself so that I would actually do something about them. I realized that I get overwhelmed easily. I have to break things down. I have so many things I want to do that I just get overwhelmed and don't know where to start or how to attack them. So, I just do nothing.
Not anymore. I am writing them down.These are my goals (and/or list of things that I have needed to get done FOREVER and can never seem to make myself finish). It is a combination of talents or interests I would like to pursue as well as projects I have started and never completed. I am just writing down the broad goal or desire now, then will work on breaking them down into more digestible pieces later. So here they are, in no particular order.
While working on this "exercise" I couldn't help but remember a scripture. It is found in Matthew 6:33 and again in 3 Nephi 13:33. It reads "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." My first and foremost goal instantly became clear:
I had been pondering for a while what I wanted to accomplish with this path to self-discovery and what I hoped to see in myself as I worked on becoming the best possible version of me.
I decided that I wanted to set goals and actually reach them. None of this setting lofty goals and having them all spin around out there in the abyss of my mind - but actually set step by step expectations for myself so that I would actually do something about them. I realized that I get overwhelmed easily. I have to break things down. I have so many things I want to do that I just get overwhelmed and don't know where to start or how to attack them. So, I just do nothing.
Not anymore. I am writing them down.These are my goals (and/or list of things that I have needed to get done FOREVER and can never seem to make myself finish). It is a combination of talents or interests I would like to pursue as well as projects I have started and never completed. I am just writing down the broad goal or desire now, then will work on breaking them down into more digestible pieces later. So here they are, in no particular order.
- Learn how to sew (So far I have made bags for the kids to take toys to church - my next project is to make capes for the kids. Eventually I want to learn how to sew dresses, skirts, curtains, etc.)
- Learn about photography (I am very interested in photography. I keep telling myself I am going to learn all of the technical skills and information, but still have yet to do so)
- Make a 2-week dinner menu of healthy meals (this is a part of our general goal of eating healthy, fresh meals - we will be consulting with a dietitian within the next few months)
- Turn my 2009 blog into a book (The blog is already done - I just have to format it and order it - come on Alicia!)
- Scan all of my old photos and keepsakes (this is quite the undertaking - probably why I have never gotten around to it - boy it will be nice to get rid of all of those boxes)
- Finish Weston's scrapbook and start Natalie's
- Finish unpacking and organizing our bedroom (our bedroom has yet to be "completely" unpacked since we have been married!!!)
- Become a better pianist and teacher
- Begin my family history
While working on this "exercise" I couldn't help but remember a scripture. It is found in Matthew 6:33 and again in 3 Nephi 13:33. It reads "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." My first and foremost goal instantly became clear:
- Strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven
The Dreaded Question
"So, tell me about yourself. What do you like to do? What do you do for fun?"
The most dreaded and horrifying question in the world. I cringe every time someone asks me this. Seeing as how I have moved three times just in a matter of three and a half months, I have had the opportunity to answer this question many many times recently. Unfortunately, it has not gotten easier. Perhaps it has become worse.
I usually stare at the person who genuinely wants to get to know me. I begin to sink into my chair and bury my head as if my shirt may happen to sneak some possible lines I can use. I usually end up mumbling something about two kids and that is pretty much all I do. I stagger over fragments of sentences that usually include something about going to the gym, trying to learn how to sew, interested in photography, and occasionally scrap booking when I find the time. They smile and nod and move on their merry way. I am left feeling dumb.
Really? Do I really have nothing to say to that? How have I gotten to this point? "Tell me about yourself." "Uh......." Have I really ended up at the age of twenty-five with no ambitions, no hobbies, no talents I can name of, and no passions in life? That's just pathetic. Two kids or not, that is just pathetic.
I look at those around me with dreams and goals they are pursuing, passions that drive them forward, and accomplishments they can be proud of. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I haven't accomplished anything and have no talents, but I just feel stagnant. Sometimes I marvel about the fact that I am only twenty-five. At times I feel like I could seriously be forty-five. That is sad to me. These are my glory years. So, it is high time I started on my journey to self-discovery.
We have been focusing monthly during family night on goal setting. While Roland has done phenomenal with setting and accomplishing goals, I have come up slacking. What is the difference? This was the topic of a long discussion the two of us had last night. I have no passion. This is not new to me. I grew up interested and intrigued by things but I don't ever really remember loving something so much that I just had to do it.
Like any kid, I enjoyed playing outdoors, playing pretend, and doing all the normal things a young child should do. I began taking piano and while I enjoyed it, I didn't love it. The closest I think I got to that was dance. I really liked to dance. I took tap and ballet at the tender age of 6 or 7ish. I continued with jazz and tap up until I was 11 or so. I had a lot of fun. I considered joining the dance team in high school but it intimidated me because I really wasn't that good and I was far too nerdy to do a thing like that. So, that was the end of my dancing years.
Moving forward, I engrossed myself in school. Like I mentioned before, I was a nerd. It was like I measured my worth as a person by how well I did in school. I would not fail - and I must say, I was quite good. I accepted nothing less than straight A's. I woke up, went to school, came home from school, studied, and went to bed. That was my life. I'm not really sure why I wasn't encouraged to find sources of extra-curricular fun (perhaps I was but I have blocked those out), but my life revolved around school. Not a bad thing by any means, but not necessarily fulfilling either.
In addition to enveloping myself in studying, I was forced to grow up early when my parents divorced and I took on the mother role to my younger siblings - especially to my sister who was only seven at the time. Even before the divorce I can remember countless evenings spent at the bedside of my younger sister, reading stories to her and comforting her through her tears of loneliness and sadness as we tried to cope with what was going on around us. Not what I would call extra-curricular activities for a 11-14 year old, however I would not have traded it for anything. I am to this day grateful that I could be that support to her. It means the world to me.
High school was much of the same. Studying, studying, parenting, studying. Granted, I did have my fun too. I did start to "break out of my shell" by about junior year and had a lot of amazing friends. But, I still lacked passion. Picking a college major was a chore. "Choose something you are passionate about," people would always say. That's my problem! I resorted to pre-nursing as the medical field was always something that intrigued me - and it challenged me. I liked to be challenged. But, even as I was in classes, I had a difficult time really focusing and learning the material because my heart wasn't truly in it. I tried, but it was just not there. I switched at least three more times before I finally finished my degree in management. I copped out. It was the fastest and easiest way to get done. Pathetic. I feel no sense of accomplishment for obtaining my bachelor's degree - that is sad to me. I don't feel like I pushed myself at all.
So, here I am with a bachelor's degree, a marvelous husband, and two beautiful children. I should feel fulfilled. But, I don't. So, this is the beginning of my path to discovering myself. I am determined to do it. After twenty-five years, I won't cringe when I hear the words, "Who are you? What do you like to do?" I will find my passion.
The most dreaded and horrifying question in the world. I cringe every time someone asks me this. Seeing as how I have moved three times just in a matter of three and a half months, I have had the opportunity to answer this question many many times recently. Unfortunately, it has not gotten easier. Perhaps it has become worse.
I usually stare at the person who genuinely wants to get to know me. I begin to sink into my chair and bury my head as if my shirt may happen to sneak some possible lines I can use. I usually end up mumbling something about two kids and that is pretty much all I do. I stagger over fragments of sentences that usually include something about going to the gym, trying to learn how to sew, interested in photography, and occasionally scrap booking when I find the time. They smile and nod and move on their merry way. I am left feeling dumb.
Really? Do I really have nothing to say to that? How have I gotten to this point? "Tell me about yourself." "Uh......." Have I really ended up at the age of twenty-five with no ambitions, no hobbies, no talents I can name of, and no passions in life? That's just pathetic. Two kids or not, that is just pathetic.
I look at those around me with dreams and goals they are pursuing, passions that drive them forward, and accomplishments they can be proud of. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I haven't accomplished anything and have no talents, but I just feel stagnant. Sometimes I marvel about the fact that I am only twenty-five. At times I feel like I could seriously be forty-five. That is sad to me. These are my glory years. So, it is high time I started on my journey to self-discovery.
We have been focusing monthly during family night on goal setting. While Roland has done phenomenal with setting and accomplishing goals, I have come up slacking. What is the difference? This was the topic of a long discussion the two of us had last night. I have no passion. This is not new to me. I grew up interested and intrigued by things but I don't ever really remember loving something so much that I just had to do it.
Like any kid, I enjoyed playing outdoors, playing pretend, and doing all the normal things a young child should do. I began taking piano and while I enjoyed it, I didn't love it. The closest I think I got to that was dance. I really liked to dance. I took tap and ballet at the tender age of 6 or 7ish. I continued with jazz and tap up until I was 11 or so. I had a lot of fun. I considered joining the dance team in high school but it intimidated me because I really wasn't that good and I was far too nerdy to do a thing like that. So, that was the end of my dancing years.
Moving forward, I engrossed myself in school. Like I mentioned before, I was a nerd. It was like I measured my worth as a person by how well I did in school. I would not fail - and I must say, I was quite good. I accepted nothing less than straight A's. I woke up, went to school, came home from school, studied, and went to bed. That was my life. I'm not really sure why I wasn't encouraged to find sources of extra-curricular fun (perhaps I was but I have blocked those out), but my life revolved around school. Not a bad thing by any means, but not necessarily fulfilling either.
In addition to enveloping myself in studying, I was forced to grow up early when my parents divorced and I took on the mother role to my younger siblings - especially to my sister who was only seven at the time. Even before the divorce I can remember countless evenings spent at the bedside of my younger sister, reading stories to her and comforting her through her tears of loneliness and sadness as we tried to cope with what was going on around us. Not what I would call extra-curricular activities for a 11-14 year old, however I would not have traded it for anything. I am to this day grateful that I could be that support to her. It means the world to me.
High school was much of the same. Studying, studying, parenting, studying. Granted, I did have my fun too. I did start to "break out of my shell" by about junior year and had a lot of amazing friends. But, I still lacked passion. Picking a college major was a chore. "Choose something you are passionate about," people would always say. That's my problem! I resorted to pre-nursing as the medical field was always something that intrigued me - and it challenged me. I liked to be challenged. But, even as I was in classes, I had a difficult time really focusing and learning the material because my heart wasn't truly in it. I tried, but it was just not there. I switched at least three more times before I finally finished my degree in management. I copped out. It was the fastest and easiest way to get done. Pathetic. I feel no sense of accomplishment for obtaining my bachelor's degree - that is sad to me. I don't feel like I pushed myself at all.
So, here I am with a bachelor's degree, a marvelous husband, and two beautiful children. I should feel fulfilled. But, I don't. So, this is the beginning of my path to discovering myself. I am determined to do it. After twenty-five years, I won't cringe when I hear the words, "Who are you? What do you like to do?" I will find my passion.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)